The Hordes of the Things is back on Radio 4 Extra!

– middle-sea is quite secure!

– how can you say that when even at this moment the swirling killer loons of dath are amassing outside the east gates?

– nonsense, i have just today received a communique from the swirling killer loons of dath that they want war no more than they do. we have a trade treaty with them.

– trade treaty?! we export fourteen hundred luscious young virgins bound in silken ropes and fattened for two years on raspberries and chamois milk, and in return we import a walnut. a walnut.

– there you are. you know perfectly well we have a very weak walnut industry. on the other hand we have a positive surfeit of virgins. it makes perfect economic sense for us to export virgins and import walnuts.

–a walnut

– we may like to export another walnut or two, yes, but the world economy is slumping. my good friend, the evil flesh-eating lord of crun, advises me…

– that cannibal!

– the evil flesh eating lord of crun is not a cannibal!

– oh? and what about this menu my spies brought me from the last banquet he threw!

starters:

choice of tomato and hobbit quiche, serf pate or avocado and stout yeoman farmers in vinaigrette

to follow:

housewives with tiny new potatoes or ragout of tender meaty gym instructors killed during circuit training

sweets:

strawberry ice-cream sprinkled with golden peaches, chocolate sauce, almond, angelica slices and cherries, with a couple of brawny archers thrown over the top