Julian and Minz discuss a Marriage Pact for when we are 42 and Still Single.
[The exact age that this Marriage Pact is to be carried out has been fluctuating somewhat over the years, but currently we favour 42 because that is the answer to the meaning of Life, the Universe and Everything.]
I.J: What if I’m a sad alcoholic at 45… would you still marry me?
Me: LOOK, I know about the theories of the Multiverses and the Trousers of Time, but I don’t think there is any universe in which you would be married to me and an alcoholic. Surely you’re not suggesting that being married to me would be so terrible that I’d drive you to drink?
J: I mean before we get married! What I’m so depressed with my failed relationships that I become an alcoholic by 45 when we’re supposed to get married?
II.Me: We’re not doing it just for the companionship in old age. For that we can move to a commune. Husbands are different. They’re also for driving you to the hairdresser’s and that kind of thing!
J: But it doesn’t seem fair! You seem to get all the regular wife benefits in this arrangement and I don’t get any husband benefits!
Me: What do you mean? I’d be a very good wife! Listening ear and all that! Don’t I always comfort you when you don’t get your grants or when Nature doesn’t accept your paper!
J: Ok there’s that. But what else. What are wives supposed to do?
Me: Umm…They cook hot meals when their husbands get back from the office late! But in my case I can’t cook and I’ll be a harried associate still so I’ll probably come home later than you…
J: It’s okay, I’d rather cook my own meals anyway.
Me: Well, how about being a good mother to the kids?
J: I thought we were only going to have corgis, not kids?
Me: I can look after corgis too.
J: I think I would prefer to look after the corgis myself.
IIIMe: Ok, trophy wives! Sometimes people get married for that.
J: Why, are you going to be fabulously rich and successful?
Me: No! But I am right at home amongst academics! I can natter intelligently about the latest in philology, literary theory, nuclear disarmament and even neuroscience! So you can bring me to your departmental receptions and I will charm your tenure committee! I can even show off my boobs if you think it helps!
J: Yes! Like that episode of Big Bang Theory!
Me: Um yes, that is where I got the idea in the first place….
Best of the Transparent Hummingbird