the agony aunt column of geoffrey chaucer.

My hoostes wif ys stealing ynto my bedchambre and attempting to seduce me. What ys proper courtly protocol? #ChaucerLoveAdvice

“Probablye thou wast chillinge yn the court of thy kinge and sum maner of straunge knight came yn and proclaimed a bet involvinge 1) a contest and 2) grievous physical harme. Lyke peraventure checkers and running across coals or maybe axe throwinge and sudoku. As part of the bet, this knight dyd make thee promyse to meet hym a year and a daye latir yn sum mysterious locacioun that doth sounde lyke the name of an ecologist goth bande. (Ridge of Uncertaintye, Perilous Grove, Deciduous Forest of Certain Maiming, etc.) …”

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Dear Geoff: Re: Amor Vincit Omnia: doth Omnia encompysse snorynge, eke chewinge wyth ye Mouth open?

“The answere to yower question is: yis! For amor vincit omnia doth signifye “Love Doth Conquer All Thinges.” And so yt doth. Yet love hath a special maner of conqueringe, for yt doth not conquer as a catapult doth conquer, wyth force and large projectiles and muchel crashing and breaking of walles and devastacioun. That maner of conqueringe is for seasonal allergies, not love…”

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Best book to give as a gift to a lover? #ChaucerLoveAdvice

“Yf thy lover doth desire no thinge more than to be a constantlye growinge and ever-vexing chaos of moral teachinge and obfuscatory allegory, buye a copy of Piers Plowman. Indeed, a booke ybought for a lover sholde be as a fayre and gentil mirrour that doth reflect the best and moost desyred self. And yf thou art reallye at a loss maybe just buye a collectioun of cute pictures of cattes, for cattes plese al folke.”